When you think of investments, you likely think of the stock market or real estate. Simply put, something that you can put money, time, or effort into and have the potential for a return greater than what you initially put into it. If you look up the word invest, then you will see a version of this definition, but there is another.
Invest:Provide or endow someone or something with (a particular quality or attribute).
This is where investing takes on a much broader meaning. To endow is essentially to give. It comes from an Old French word, douer, or to give as a gift, stemming further from the Latin word dotare. In this form, to invest in someone is to give them a gift. Sometimes that gift is earned or due as is implied with endowments, but regardless, it is something that is given. Nowhere in this definition is there any expectation of a return, like in the definition of investing we so commonly use today.
We so often describe our relationships and love itself as an investment and have most likely been caught associating it with such phrases as, “you get what you put in.” While we can all give some credence to that notion from our experiences, it seems to paint only part of the picture of investing in others. Relationships require work, there is no doubt, and without putting in some work into your relationships, they will be strained and hard to maintain. That is transactional and the type of investment mentality that again, you are hoping to get something from.
Many people experience in their lifetime the type of relationship where both people just hit it off. When two people meet and quickly find they have common views and compatible communication styles. They can converse effortlessly at length and connect without any real ulterior motives. They could have just hit it off at a party and parted ways without exchanging contact information or knowing if they will ever see each other again, but genuinely enjoyed their presence for a while. This is more than transactional, it is a genuine connection with little more transactional value than good human interactions. You gave each other your time, attention, and maybe some insight into your life and didn’t ask for more; no status plays, introductions, favors, or future commitments. You invested in them for a time.
This is where true love and happy relationships start. You have to invest in them, not to get a return, but to simply give something of yourself to them. You may not get a return. You may even experience a loss, but if you are giving and not looking for a return, it isn’t truly a loss. You don’t give a gift in hopes of receiving something back, or at least not if it truly is a gift and not angling for future favor. No, it starts with endowing someone with your love. By giving this love, you don’t get to take it back. Love that is given can never be returned, only reciprocated.
It’s important to point out that expecting a return or not, you still cannot blindly ignore sunk costs. Sometimes, we are so deeply incompatible with others that a constant outpouring of investments only brings negative outcomes for both parties. Many times it is not from maliciousness, though sometimes, it can feel that way, but simply a deep incompatibility of communication. Spoken in terms of love languages, if you love someone and pour out your love in the form of gifts, but the other is struggling to maintain minimalism because things cause a core disruption to their peace, it becomes unintentionally toxic as both parties’ validations won’t be acknowledged. Same for those that primarily seek physical touch when the other is a “words of affirmation” type alone with an aversion to physical contact. Both parties mean well, but will not understand the other not appreciating what they are giving.
In a more materialistic society, like the one we find ourselves in, these miscommunications and the emotions they evoke are compounded. It is very common to hear support tropes like “if they really loved you, they would understand what you need and give it to you.” If they were expecting something in return, maybe. However, if they are bringing their true self to this relationship, they will show love in the most natural way they know how to. Such monumental displays of affection as altering one’s love language is a gift in itself and not one that many people can genuinely give. Equally as difficult when seeing your love as a gift, not seeking a return is to acknowledge other’s love languages, despite them being outside of your preferred methods. In short, we don’t get to choose how others love us, only how we give love and are able to receive it. If you cannot adapt to others, then you are better suited seeking those that mirror your love languages which is much harder than accepting love of all kinds. Trying to find someone that matches your love languages exactly is more akin to trying to find the place that will give you the most value for Rubles outside of Russia in 2024… Probably nowhere other than where they came from.
This kind of love that exists above expressions used to be more commonplace. It was that X factor that held our great-grandparent’s generations marriages together. It was a love for the other. The Rabbi Manis Friedman does a great job of explaining it by giving the story of a man who says, “I love everything about my wife” to which Friedman responds, “Great, but do you love her?” This isn’t unconditional love. What he points at is loving the person and not the things about them. The things about a person will change, from their appearance to their wealth, and even their sense of humor. Life has a way of doing that. So if you only love the things about someone, then you are destined to fall out of love as those things change. This is why old married couples can argue endlessly and never even consider divorce. They have had plenty of time for things to change over the years and that change caused a lot of disagreements, but the things weren’t the basis of the relationship, it was the person. Honestly, don’t do anything in life, especially getting married with the goal of being happy. Happiness is not what it is about.
So whether it is your romantic, familiar, or friend relationships, invest in them. Invest not to get a return, but simply to give to them. Their value can compound, but the value of the relationship is not what is important, it is how you value it that makes it important. If you are seeking any sort of relationship, get rid of the list of things you want from it. If you are looking for things, get a job and buy them. If you want a relationship, build it and start with a selfless offering. If you focus on giving, rather than getting, I assure you that your returns will be greater than any expected returns.