Will being a father change you? Without a question, yes.
When speaking to soon-to-be dads, I often hear how they notice the changes in their partner’s behavior. The science around the flood of hormones that drive changes in female physiology is pretty widely researched and the findings shared and rightly so. It changes women in major ways and as they are experiencing the rapid changes, it is good to know what is going on.
While there are some studies out there, we don’t tend to tell the dads about the changes they will and won’t experience. A very common feeling for men who are new or soon-to-be dads is not much of a change, and a decent amount of guilt around it. After all, their partner is changing rapidly before the baby arrives, and they simply aren’t.
Women become mothers while carrying a child. Men don’t become fathers until a child is born.
If you think of it like this, a mother has six months in many cases to come to grips with the idea that she is about to become a mother. The flood of hormones makes sure that she is acutely aware of that fact. A man’s body is more aloof. Most of the reaction of happiness, anxiety, and increased affection for the mother of his soon-to-be child is driven more by the brain, and why the feeling of guilt creeps in. The hormones simply don’t grip him.
This continues, even after the child is born. While the first contact between a father and child concretes the notion that they are now a father, they are useless. Yes, I know that the mother needs support and being there in the early days is critical for bonding, etc., but this type of support is much similar to caring for someone who is ill, the difference in duties between dad and nurse is nuanced at best. Psychologically, this is when the mental preparation period that women experience during pregnancy begins, though less intense (No, they are not the same, but comparatively. Stay with me). There are new hormones introduced, there is a connection with the child being formed, and there is the reality of the new role they must assume entering the man’s mind.
This is where problems can creep in. There is not much grace given to men in this phase. The common narrative is that “they knew this was coming, they should have already been thinking of all this,” and they probably did, but it was with their mind only. A mind that hadn’t yet been altered the same way the mother’s had. Their body wasn’t yet telling them that they were a parent and imposing the physiological and mind-altering weight. That lag is frustrating to women and men, who feel it. They feel late to the game and guilty for it. That frustration justifies the guilt, which compounds it.
The best advice to new dads when that guilt sets in is to “just wait.” Keep supporting and be as involved as you can. Insist change the diapers, take the late night feedings, clean the bottles, and do the laundry. Be useful with the peripheral tasks. You are demonstrating to mom that you are capable and she isn’t alone. Your time is coming and you need that trust.
About six months is when it starts to set in. A child starts to acknowledge your existence as a dad. You are seen as a human, other than mom, who can meet their needs, and the manipulation begins. You will start to notice how a child treats parents differently. They learn to get different things from different parent,s and this continues…. Forever. For me, my kids came to me for challenges, praise when they did something hard, or rough play. They used me to test boundaries. They went to their mother for comfort, nurturing, and signs of unconditional love. Don’t think that our kids don’t get all these things from both of us, but there are clear preferences for first picks.
As my kids started to seek things from me, I could tell I was changing to deliver them. I became more patient, I became more able to direct my focus to them, but most of all, I became insanely empathetic.
Empathy Overflow
I was raised in a house that didn’t allow for a lot of emotional expression. As a man and the oldest of five kids with a single mom, I know that my emotional development took the back seat. Empathy wasn’t something I had seen exhibited a lot of. Mirroring emotions was not a great strategy. This led to me being pretty walled off emotionally. I don’t recall crying past the age of ten, in fact, I couldn’t stand it when other people did it in front of me. I still kind of see it as a useless emotional response.
However, for the first time in my life, I felt true empathy. When my kid hurt, I hurt. When they were scared, I was a little scared, too. We were learning together. The biggest thing I noticed outside of interactions with my kids was when watching movies where a child is hurt or dies, it killed me. Tears would well up because I could very easily imagine how I would feel if that were my child, and it tore me up. It doesn’t help that I seem to encounter such scenes in movies more in the last few years. A horrible trend to play on emotions, I suppose.
Just some of the major changes
A surprising, but impactful change is that it changed the way I experience art. I have always loved music, poetry, and classic art. When I became a father, though, it changed my interpretation of it all. Songs used to be directed to me, I would embody the words into my experience, now songs are for my kids. I feel more than pleasure, love, pain, and angst now. I have a new depth of emotions that I have learned to feel as my children do. Spending time on their level helps me see things more fully and less self-focused. Songs I once found cheesy, now can make my voice crack singing along. Butterfly Kisses, really?!
It changed the way I saw the future. Without children, life past yourself is hard to see. Sure, you can help others in need and identify with a cause. You can even still have a strong empathy towards children, but the future looks different now. I knew that there was life after mine that mattered. I knew that I had a chance to be remembered by someone I loved. I knew that whatever I put into the world was for my children, their development, and their future. This isn’t trivial, and if you do not have kids, I am sorry to say that I don’t know that you can fully comprehend it. It is sort of forced hope that you actually matter in this world and that the future matters.
It changed my finances. I write a decent amount about finance and do a lot of work to ensure my personal finances are in shape. I wouldn’t call myself financially illiterate. However, something I had said in the past and so many people are easy to use as a reason not to have children, is that “kids are expensive” or “I can’t afford to have kids.” This is nonsense and I am not sorry. I was raised in a house that was well below the poverty line and had 5 kids in it. We all survived, including my mom. Well off, no, but we made it.
What you are actually saying is, “Kids would change the way I live, and I don’t know if it’s worth it.” It will change the way you live and spend. I used to spend $500 per month on eating out and alcohol. Now I spend that on diapers and daycare. I used to care about having a cool car,but now I know my young kids will just leave crayons to melt in it, so I drive a very modest car that does the job. I also used to invest to make money, now I invest to prepare for future expenses. Simply, I shifted my discretionary income to my kids. Does that mean I don’t have fun? No, but it looks different. That’s ok, because so does my schedule. I am rarely bored, without things to do and needing to fill my time with “fun stuff” that costs money. There will be a time when I can have the nice things again, just not for a while. By then, I will have more experience, preference, and finer taste so I may actually appreciate it.
It also changed the way I work. I used to be willing to do whatever it took to be successful in my career. More hours, more education, more responsibility, more travel, and more. The payoffs for all this “more” was incremental, but it registered. I could get ahead in any office I worked in, because I was willing to do more. Now, I want more time with my kids, more flexibility to run errands, more days off to spend with my family, and more insurance coverage. Do I slack off at work? Absolutely not. In fact I work harder. I still have ambition, it is now just a part of my life and not all of it. I want more money to increase the well-being of my family and not my own.
One quote stopped me in my tracks because I actually realized how true it is. “No one at work will really notice all the late nights you worked, but your kids will.” The first time I had to break it to my kid that I go with them to the zoo one weekend because I had to work, was tough. When my kid started to assume that I wouldn’t be able to play with them that weekend because I work all the time, it devastated me. Avoiding that feeling for both of us is worth a pay and title cut.
So, the change and sacrifice; is it worth it?
You can probably guess my answers. Will being a father change you? Without a question, yes. It will in surprising ways. Is it always fun? Hell no! But it is worth it, one hundred percent. I can honestly say that having children rewired my brain to be a better person. I am more whole and more involved in the world than I ever had to be. It is a call to show up to life. It didn’t happen right away. In fact, it took a few years to notice the full effects.
You have to let the change happen, though. I fought the change for a while. I didn’t want to give up who I was and the things I tied my identity up in. None of my friends had kids, and they tried everything to keep me from changing. It sent me through something of a mid-life crisis to realize I will never be that free again. However, when I stopped fighting the changes and embraced my new role and identity, things got way better. When I, not only allowed but also enabled my brain to be rewired, it unlocked insane potential in me. The connections I had enhanced with everyone and everything. It not only deepened my experience in the world, it helped me reprioritize my life and trim the things that didn’t matter. That led to better relationships, a healthier life, higher income, and a more stable lifestyle. It answered all the questions of purpose that occasionally bounced around my head in all my free time.
If I hadn’t allowed my brain to be rewired, I would likely still be fighting my instincts to be a father and be in a much worse place, more alone and jaded. I would have pressed forward with a me-first mentality, chasing career accolades, money, and pleasure. I would have skirted the work, because it was hard, being a parent, in the beginning, and still is at times. I would have bought into the idea that my life was over and I was “just a dad.” I probably wouldn’t have supported my wife as much and all the work she was doing for the kids, herself, and us, because that took away from the time and energy I had to focus on myself. All these things would not have yielded great results, even if I managed to achieve personal and material success. No, because now, my success is tied to my children. That is the ultimate change.
So soon-to-be dads, don’t feel guilty if you don’t feel that connection yet. New dads, don’t worry that you don’t feel needed in the early days; your time will come. Dads in the thick of it, lean into it, and let your brain be rewired to the job you had. You can reclaim your life later, when your kids are grown and don’t need you around as much. Experienced dads, encourage the rest of us. Let us know about the good things that came out of your journey and remind us how fast it goes.
Moms, try and understand that dads have a different starting point on this parenting journey, and that is hard. Let us build bonds in our own ways with our children, because forcing us to connect in the ways that make sense to you can be unnatural for us. Encourage and allow us to pitch in, but know we can be unintentionally ignorant of your needs. You’ve changed in this journey, too. Try and see how we try, rather than looking for the obvious signs. That is what calls us to action, not chastising.
Lastly, no one is ever ready for kids. That is why our bodies and minds change as we become parents. The tools needed to become a parent and be a parent are wildly different. You will not be the same person after your child is born, and that is a wonderful thing. Expect and allow yourself and your partner to change and adapt. Becoming a parent is evolution in action.