I have quite a few people in my life who are dating in their late 20s and 30s. I sometimes get asked for advice or just hear the issues they are having. Like anyone facing an issue, they seek advice from various sources, and so much like financial advice, there are more unqualified people eager to give advice than those who could actually help.
The number of dating coaches who are divorced, single, or both fascinates me. Sure, they may have more practice than most, but without casting a net of blame, they clearly have trouble succeeding. So what is the point of dating? If it is just to land dates, these are probably great sources of information, but if you actually want a relationship or find someone to marry, their advice may be a recipe for disaster. It is a bit like asking for financial advice from FTX after you saw how that went.
So if you are serious about finding a healthy and lasting relationship, why not go somewhere that is actively working? Pick out someone or a couple that has a relationship you admire, and ask their advice. These people still struggle in relationships, like everyone else, but also can spot problems a mile away. They likely have seen or experienced bad matches and situations and are able to avoid or overcome them with their positive experiences.
The men in these long-term relationships can sometimes be tough to crack, but they will have more pointed and direct feedback. Most husbands who have been married a decade or so, and especially if they have kids, learn more to stay in their lane. When asked, “What advice would you give me when it comes to getting married?”, if their dad jokes have had time to marinate, they will simply say jokingly, “Don’t.” However, if pressed ever so slightly, they will start with straightforward advice that comes from a place of care and the experience of making things work.
What will make a man’s advice stand out is its candor. Asking a married man for his take on relationships will likely set him back. Men normally aren’t the go-to source of dating information and have long since purged any playbook they may have once had, since it doesn’t have any use in their current role. Women naturally maintain a level of social awareness and are in tune with attraction. Men are more direct. They will see someone attractive and generally keep moving with maybe a simple glance. Their awkwardness is often palpable. This awkwardness removes any performative advice, and instead, you can get raw and real opinions.
So how is the advice from a married, middle-aged dad going to differ from common dating advice? Here are just a few ways this man’s advice will be unique.
He Is Unapologetically Practical
Dating is a social event wrapped up in a lot of emotions and ego. Typically, if you are giving someone such intimate advice, you are taking all these messy feelings into account in your delivery. The married dad, kind as they may be, is likely not as in tune or interested in those things. You asked him a question and he is giving the answer.
Dads especially know that any advice they give you has a chance of being discarded if their answer isn’t in line with what the receiver was hoping for. This makes it low-stakes for them to tell you the honest truth and know you will likely disagree.
They are past the overly emotional stage and are able to quickly identify the things in their own relationship that make it worthwhile. They have seen honeymoon phases end, monotony set in, appearances change, and comfort levels hit their peak. They know what fades away all too well and are able to focus on the things that stay. They have a partner, and that, in many ways, is practical. He is aware that each person has roles and needs that they navigate, so the advice, aimed at making things last, takes this unemotional, practical approach.
He Knows How You Can Be Annoying
There are things about everyone that are just plain annoying. Luckily, most people have other, less-annoying qualities that balance them out. A dad and a husband are annoyed no less than 3 times before breakfast. They can tell you right away what about you would make you miserable to be with. They may never say it, but they can name them.
This is an important part of feedback: hearing your flaws. In polite conversations, you don’t normally focus on flaws, but intercepting a man between his wife giving him orders and his kids ripping the gutters off the house has a tendency to break down a few walls in manners.
They may not come right out and tell you what they think your relationship shortcomings may be, but they can weave it into their advice. The advice they would give to someone else may be completely different based on this one aspect alone. It doesn’t get more customized than that.
He Isn’t Interested In Things That Are Not Mission-Critical
“Do you want to find someone or not? If not, why even ask?” When someone is focused and busy with top priorities, inconsequential things tend to be intentionally overlooked. I can hear every jaded wife agreeing. That is how men get things done. They are aware of their own special brand of ADD and focus on the goal. Things don’t just happen; they get done.
I discourage you from leading with “and then they said this mean thing, and they didn’t pay attention to me, or they won’t do XYZ….” This isn’t helpful to the mission. These are side quests and not actually key to the goal. If you want to be in a relationship, these little things matter so much less than the overall intent and action.
They will want to focus on defining the goal and executing towards it. So, rather than, “I wish he would just propose already,” consider saying, “What can I do to get him to propose?” This is action-driven and focuses on what you can do. He has no idea how to grant wishes or sort out vague reasons why, but he does know how to spur action.
For the best advice, point him towards what you want. He will be more helpful in offering potential strategies to achieve a defined goal than he would be in helping you to fill time waiting for something to happen.
He Wants The Best For Those Around Him
What many husbands and dads really want is for the people around them to be happy and taken care of. It really is that simple. Selfishly, they know that if problems go unsolved, there is a chance it can make their life more difficult. So if you are complaining about your dating life now, any bad advice he gives will only make things worse and more difficult for him.
His advice is holistic and seeks to keep the peace. He wants you to be safe and happy. He wants minimal conflict in his circle, especially overly emotional conflict, as relationships can breed. He genuinely wants stability wherever he can achieve it, and that includes the relationships of those close to him. He has nothing to gain by steering you wrong.
Sometimes, It Is Hard Advice To Get, But It Is Worth Hearing
Sometimes it is hard to get advice from these men, and sometimes it is hard to take it, but if hearing the same advice from gurus and friends is not working out, you have to try something new.
The men in our lives often do not get positive feedback in the form of people close to them asking for real advice. This is the ultimate way to show and respect the family men in your life. I encourage everyone to go to that well every now and then to try and get a glimpse into the minds of men they respect.
This list is not at all exclusive. Who, you ask, will have some more for sure? What are some of the reasons you would ask that married, middle-aged dad for dating advice, or are you too scared of the answers you may get?
For the single people in my life, I tried to compile some of these early-phase dating tips and tricks to offer a foundation for building healthy, long-term relationships before the first date. If you are interested and want to support what we do, we hope you will check it out HERE
Happy hunting,
Reid Pierpoint