The median age for first marriages continues to creep up, with men passing 30 and women close behind, presenting new and unique challenges in marriage and dating.
There are tons of good and valid reasons people are waiting to get married until a little later in life, and quite a few bad ones. Regardless of the reasons, there is a challenge that waiting to think about marriage presents, and I don’t hear anything about online:
Learning how to live with another person.
I recently published an article where I discussed Fluid vs Crystalized Intelligence, and how it gets harder to learn new skills as we collect experience. It also highlights how we begin to experience a dramatic shift in how we problem-solve as our Fluid Intelligence starts to decline at 30.
Anyone who has been married can tell you that there is a learning curve to it. Moving in and sharing a space and financial responsibility is one thing, but also the shift in mindset when you sign paperwork, binding you legally and removing the easy escape route. Especially in the beginning, we spend tons of time and energy creating habits together, learning how to communicate effectively, and making concessions to promote a peaceful home. Avoid those at your peril.
What I am seeing play out in the dating scene and among the single people that I know is that no one ever told them that this critical phase gets much harder the older we get.
When we are in our twenties, we are more flexible than we ever will be in adulthood. We can learn faster, work harder, create habits more easily, and have the mental and physical energy to do it. We haven’t quite settled into the person we will become yet. We can easily add things, big and small, into our lives and start to build around them.
As we move through our thirties, settling in on who we are becomes a must. We collect things, set down roots, develop mindsets and habits, and create systems to manage our lives in as predictable a manner as we can. We have careers, bills, responsibilities, and reputations that must be looked after. Adding anything to our lives requires planning and adjustment… Compromise. We are fully formed adults, so either something fits or it doesn’t. Forcing anything into a fully formed life requires a level of retrofitting.
That retrofitting is what causes so much discontent in modern dating. I am pretty outspoken about the harms of having a list of traits that a potential partner must possess, like choosing a person to be with is as simple as a retail purchase. At the heart of that mentality is this idea of retrofitting. “I know who I am, what I do, what I like, and have no interest in changing.” It is looking for someone who fits well into their current life with minimal adjustment. The problem is that this rigidity from men and women ignores the very premise of being in a relationship: becoming one. Not becoming one in some biblical inuindo way, but becoming a single unit with shared goals and synchronized efforts. Success isn’t for one person, but the success of the entire unit.
Being in a serious relationship requires some sacrifice of self. That sacrifice is easier when that self isn’t fully formed. There is less to get rid of and more to grow into. When we are with someone for a long time, sharing space and an intimate connection, it changes us intentionally to forge different types of bonds than we have with those outside the family unit.
Resisting the urge of self-preservation
The person we are single and the person we need to be in a relationship are two different people with different goals and motivations. Single, our interest can be fully on us and what we want. If we don’t want to do the laundry, the only person affected is us. There is only one calendar to consider, one career, one set of needs, and you control how you want to spend your money. When someone else enters the equation, complexity ensues, and it becomes more of a choreographed dance than just nodding to the beat of your own drum.
One of the strongest pieces of marriage advice that I could give to make things work is for both people to focus on the well-being of the other before themselves. We tend to take better care of the people we are responsible for than we do ourselves. We look at things from all angles and separate the irrational and emotional whims from what is best for them. We also don’t want to inflict misery, so we consider making things enjoyable whenever we can. When this falls apart is when one person starts putting themselves first, and that is the challenge, because everyone will, at some point, instinctively. A desire will seem greater than the other person’s inconvenience, or a need will arise that requires focus. Instances don’t have to detract from the overall ethos. However, if both are looking out primarily for the other, they both receive a higher level of attention and care if left to fend for themselves.
In a culture that values individuality over anything else, it is hard not to feel a sense of loss when our identity is tied to someone else. So much so that we can forget that, regardless of our focus on the family unit, we are a very important individual contributor, who is very much our own person. Our relationships absolutely shape who we are and where we focus our energy, but it doesn’t reduce our sense of self.
Sometimes it can feel like a loss, though. We feel that we give up who we would otherwise be if we weren’t part of a couple. We resent the changes and concessions we made for the success of the relationship, because life gets boring when things are going well, and if we only thought more of ourselves, we could be having so much more fun. This call often doesn’t come from within the house; it is a siren outside that lures us to imagine a life that could have been. It’s the call of comparison.
Living life only worried about yourself, your desires, and your individuality feels great! No one to tell you what to do, because you are the center of your own universe. No arguments, no compromise, and all the freedom and recognition. We know, deep down, it isn’t that great to be on our own. It gets old and lonely fast.
The only way to fight this inclination to reclaim a sense of self is to never lose it. In the same way, a single athlete is not the team; a person is not the couple. Maintain your originality, have friends, have opinions, and have preferences. Encourage your partner to do the same. Having two whole lives that share a roof and goals beats a set of conjoined people, attached at the marriage. You can play the game with your own position, skills, and unique training regimen. Your growth as a person continues, and it is still your job to make sure you don’t stagnate. Growing in the environment of the relationship does not lessen the importance of your individuality; it increases its impact through shared growth.
Timing matters
Just like a dollar invested into a retirement account at 16 can grow four times as much as a dollar invested at 30 when it is time to cash out, starting early matters. No, getting married at 16 is not a great idea, but planning for it is. Taking relationships seriously in youth helps develop parts of us that are harder to develop when we are older. Setting boundaries, productive arguing habits, and healthy ways to show and receive affection are never easy, but they are closer to a language than a skill. Learning these things is done at light speed when we are younger, and the stakes are not as high.
35% of adults 18–34 have never been in a serious relationship. That is akin to 35% of people entering the world of dating with no training. Entering a relationship requires a high level of vulnerability. Pair that with a high level of naivety, and people get hurt. So, no, I am not saying run off and get married as a teenager, but if there is any part of you that thinks you may have the slightest desire to get married, practice! Parents, encourage your kids to date so you can talk them through the challenges and heartbreak that come with relationships while they are still young, can adapt, and recover.
So what happens when people in their thirties decide to hit the dating world, wanting to get married without any practice? They embody the Dunning-Krueger effect, thinking it is easy and royally mess it up. They don’t know how to assess a situation and predict the outcome. They think pairing up is as easy as sharing an apartment. Then they fight one good time and call it quits, branding the other person as a narcissist. Then the concept of Crystalized Intelligence sets in, and they brand relationships as not worth working towards and start a nihilistic spiral. Argue the fringes, but I can’t open social media without seeing this exact case posted.
The coup de gras in this cocktail is when you mix this with trying to merge that fully formed life. If you do not have the tools to navigate a relationship in a healthy and productive way, it is nearly impossible to integrate one into a life, complete with ingrained habits and belief systems.
Feeling like it is too late for you to find love? It isn’t.
So you are in your thirties or later, and all this seems to feel a little too real and sounds like the sign to just give up. It isn’t. You just took in some new information, a new perspective, and you still have some fluid intelligence left. You can do this.
Step 1 — Decide you want this
Not “I want it if…” If it fits into my life. It won’t. If I meet the right person. You won’t with that attitude. If I can manage it with all the commitments I have. You can’t. If someone can do XYZ. They can’t.
Deciding you want to be in a relationship has nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with you. There is no one out there waiting to fulfill your wants. There are people out there looking for someone willing to partner with them and share a life with someone else. Princes and Princesses are real, but they are not in your dating pool. Time to face reality and realize that what you have available is an average, very flawed person… just like you.
Step 2 — Be worth being with
What are you doing to add as much or more value to the person you end up with? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you growing? Do you have ambitions? Are you kind, honest, and capable of devoting yourself to someone else? If not, you may need to work on that first.
The people you attract will reflect what you present. Are you using people for resources, sex, or validation? If you are, then chances are they will give you those things and take something equally exploitive.
We all have a level of attractiveness (scale of 1–10). Rate yourself, rate others, not by what you think the general population would rate you at first glance. A good rule of thumb is to date within 2 points of your number. Being with someone is not about maximizing your returns; it is about optimizing your compatibility. If two people are noticeably too far apart, it is fertile ground for jealousy and resentment. No one should have an upper hand.
Step 3 — Actually try!
Ask someone out, go on the date, have the fights, and resolve them. Try to find and maintain a relationship that you can keep for as long as reasonably possible. Take ownership of your relationship status.
Attraction is one thing; you should have some of that, but understand that looks fade and people change over time. Relationships aren’t about return on investment; people are not products, and they are not meant to serve you. You should both be in voluntary and loving service to each other, trying to give more than you take.
There is a reason that arranged marriages have single-digit divorce rates, while love marriages are near 50%, even in societies that have liberal divorce laws. It is because there is a focus on the institution and not the individuals. I am convinced that you could make a marriage with anyone work if both people agreed that staying together was the most important goal. A lot of things can be solved for or dismissed if the end goal is not winning a fight or even happiness (whatever that means). That specific level of commitment can single-handedly overcome the selfish tendencies we all have in service to the continuing union.
So try to make those concessions, have the fights and forgive, make the space for someone to come in and try to make them comfortable. Work together and compete only as a team to be as happy together as possible and make your relationship last.
Even if things don’t work out in the dating phase, you don’t have to have some red flag parade, you don’t have to hate the other person after the breakup, and you don’t have to hold the entire population in contempt for this one pairing not to have worked out. Be grateful for the time together and the good times, learn from the bad times, and take some responsibility for bad behavior. Exercise your Fluid Intelligence and try again.
No one owes you happiness in your relationships, but they do reciprocate it. Take ownership of the outcomes. No one can bring you happiness without your active participation.
I would love to hear your thoughts! Drop them in the comments below.
We are rolling out a short course on First Dates for Lasting Relationships. If you are interested, shoot us a message HERE
Hoping you find the healthiest, happiest relationship,
Reid Pierpoint