I was recently exposed to a social media trend in the dating scene around asking women, “what do you bring to the table in a relationship?” Normally, a hollow answer follows around cooking, cleaning, sex, or just being fabulous and the comment section erupts with all sides of the argument adding in their hollow or nihilistic take on the state of things in the dating market. Men attack gold diggers, women attack deadbeat dads, and countless other quips that oversimplify and demonize the other gender for ruining all the prospects for anyone getting married…. It’s exhausting.
What’s most exhausting is that it is simply a terrible question. It stems from a shift in what people think of when they imagine gender roles in a relationship and ignoring a lot of the things that haven’t changed in the mating and relationship sphere.
Women’s situation, economically, has changed a lot in a relatively short time. In just a few generations women, at mass, are capable now of earning a living similar, or better, than their potential mates. Women are more than capable now of fully supporting themselves economically with little differences from men in many roles and limited barriers imposed by government and society. Furthermore, two income families are approaching the norm, introducing some competition into household earnings and all the friction that comes with such competition. This leaves the de facto idea that women manage the house and kids while the man goes out and works no longer an economic no-brainer. Furthermore it leaves women’s role in a relationship open to more optionality out of the gate simply by presenting women with the viable choice of domestic or economic responsibilities, or god forbid, both.
Men, on the other hand, do not have the same level of optionality in their roles. What men are supposed to bring to the table remains pretty consistent if you sort through the opinions and statistics. In most all assessments men are expected to Lead, Protect, and Provide by some definition. By leading, men are expected to provide vision and the work to drive progress in the household, bringing a sense of integrity to the household as a constant. They are expected to be able to protect their families physically and existentially from the dangers of the outside world. Lastly, they are charged with providing. Providing not only food and shelter, but now a level of comfort and stability for his family fitting of a modern, middle class life. Now there are many details and exceptions wrapped up in this assessment, afterall, there are about 8 billion different takes and examples of how men should and do behave, but data is pretty clear that if a man does not exhibit the ability to do all three of these things, then his chances of securing and keeping a mate is drastically reduced.
I do believe that there is a similar standard answer to “what does a woman bring to the table” in that boils down her expected contribution to an easily digestible set of north stars to adhere to and one that men want to hear in the same way that a woman wants to hear, Lead, Protect, and Provide. The missing key detail is to acknowledge the point of defining this concisely and what men are actually looking for. No, it isn’t just looks, food, and sex. It is more mission oriented. It strikes at something more primal and begins with us being pack animals. Men want to be in a family unit.
A unit is defined as “an individual thing or person regarded as single and complete but which can also form an individual component of a larger or more complex whole.” In the military, a unit is “a group having a prescribed size and a specific combat or support role within a larger military organization.” So they simply want to be an integral part of a bigger whole. A unit has a collaborative goal and purpose. It relies on all individuals to lean into their specialities to function and do their job within the unit as a whole. Being a family has a purpose. It doesn’t have size restrictions or competitive metrics, but it does have a purpose. It is to survive life and excel in the fullest way possible. Possibly so well that it could even successfully reproduce if the situation calls for it. To do so, we all need others. We need love, respect, attention, commitment… help. This is why I think the term “partner” falls short of by definition when referring to our significant others. A partner, by definition, is “either of a pair of people engaged together in the same activity.” Sure it is accurate as two people participate in a relationship, but nowhere in that does it imply the need for the other.
Therefore, if the man’s role is to Lead, Protect, and Provide, then I suggest that the woman’s role in the family unit is to Guide, Mediate, and Conserve.
Let’s imagine our unit is a dogsled. The lead dog will take the charge of pushing forward. Their job is to make things move and set the pace for all the other dogs behind them pulling the sled. They do not particularly give a whole lot of care and thought to direction or efficiency, just making sure things are moving. The sled driver is the one that holds the mission, that is looking for more efficient routes, and keeps the unit going and in the right direction. They mind all the other dogs and help set the speeds, keeping the pace sustainable for the whole team. Both of these roles are critical. They both have to communicate and adhere to the other as they know best in their field and as they work together, they progress through the race. They guide.
Men, or people in general, in a leading role are the same way. They will generally focus on the task at hand with blinders to some of the more subtle details around them. They give all their effort to forward movement and open themselves up to mistakes and neglect of things that are not directly in front of them. It could be the people around them or even their own health and happiness that suffers. For anyone who is expected to take on the weight of true leadership, they need someone to spot them. It is not a supporting role, but managing the oversight is critical to success.
Protection is tough to think about in a world where we don’t solve our problems with violence and we are not at risk of a land invasion at any given moment. Nonetheless, safety is on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs for a reason. I think our world gives us something of a false sense of security in the idea that fighting is not a skill we push for everyone to have. So the ability to protect is more a sense of confidence, resourcefulness, and some physical ability. That protection can be emotional just as it can be physical. That confidence and ability to handle any type of threatening situation is highly sought after in men. Physical fitness or at least some X-factor in a man’s perceived nature that says, “you shouldn’t mess with that guy.” That comes with a cost though. The ability to protect comes with the ability to harm. Knowing how to balance that is hard and relaying a sense of safety to those you are charged in protecting is critical. Otherwise, the protector is feared by everyone and a high threat level is something that we all try to create distance between.
The factor needed to balance this is mediation. The protector needs someone to step in and de-escalate sometimes. They need someone to help calibrate the proper response to a situation and someone to spur a full on defense mode if needed. This is not as easy as telling someone to calm down, or standing between two men ready to fight. It is more a talent of keeping a protector out of situations where they feel threatened and need to protect those they love. This is simply put as having someone around that is low drama or low conflict. This can be seen as someone that doesn’t do certain things so as to not make the other jealous. Men especially need some level of peace like this, because they can be ready to defend, but staying on constant alert will naturally wreak havoc on their nerves and begin to break down the relationships between them and those they are trying to protect. Having to constantly be sacrificing yourself to protect others because of their poor decisions will make you question if others are worth protecting at all. The mediator role aims to produce nurturing, peacekeeping, de-escalation, and calm environments, and thus is creating that kingdom worth protecting.
Finally, there is conservation. While most everything I have said is going to rub someone the wrong way, in practice, this may actually be the hardest. Conservation is akin to modesty. The ability to do or give more, but refraining. Not something overtly valued these days. However, it remains a desirable trait when looking for a long term mate. An air of mystery and a sense of exclusivity wrapped up in a conservative and predictable demeanor. This is the heart of conservation and a key attribute for a provider.
Providing is a broad term. Providing for needs and wants are two wildly different things. We need food on the table, but we don’t need a $350 weekly food budget for a small family that includes various forms of eating out. You can feed a family of 3 well for a third of that more easily than we are led to believe. We need a roof over our head, but having 1,000 square feet per individual in an affluent neighborhood may not actually be the best decision for your situation. Providers feel this weight. They want everyone to have enough and be satisfied with what they are giving to their families, but are painfully aware of the sacrifice needed to generate the income necessary to produce those results. The kind of stress that leads a person to know exactly how many hours they will need to work to buy those new shoes.
The truth is that a large percentage of providers do not need much to be materially happy. Most of the signals of success are to attract others to them. When they finally get done attracting the people they want and need in their life and gain some confidence in their value, they can live on very little. Logically, they work to produce and if they wish to free up time and energy, they simply produce less. This can create disparities. Providing at a high level is stressful and feeling like you must maintain a high and increasing resource level can burn anyone out in a world where the next greatest thing is going to drop in a few months and the needs and wants of their family are so influenced to consume.
Providers simply need someone to show that their efforts are acknowledged. The perfect way to do that is to cherish the fruits of someone’s labor by conserving it. The most endearing thing that a provider can hear is “we should be mindful of the money we are spending. It took a lot of hard work to make this money.”
The term “managing a household” isn’t used very much anymore. It is a job though, with clear economical impact. Any well run home requires someone to balance the budget, manage projects and events, reduce waste, and even generate extra income where possible. In a house with one person who stays at home and one who works, the person managing the house is more COO than CEO. In the business of running a family, it is not very comfortable for everyone to work and only bring in resources only for them to be squandered and not properly tended to. The same way it never works out well to buy food and do a lot of cooking, but neglect the dishes. We can’t sustainably buy new clothes each time we change and never wash them. The waste becomes too much. This was the role of managing a house, long before microwaves, dishwashers, and vacuums. The supporting tasks that allow for an efficient and sustainable standard of living.
When there is some push by one in a relationship, a husband or a wife, for the other to take up the role of domestic manager, it is so often seen as less important than generating money with a job. It absolutely isn’t the case, despite any poor reception. It is more of a provider’s way of saying “work really sucks, but I have done a lot to make my job provide for us. I would be terrible at managing the house, so could you do that and enjoy the things I am providing?” I never think people hear this with the love it is meant with. It is a form of protecting those we care about from the existential dread of having to work for a paycheck.I think that we are making strides to value spouses who are not the employed one of the relationship, but we definitely aren’t there. Maintaining a home is not seen with the economic value it provides to the family and the community as a whole by broader society, but it is only because we have a habit of seeing things only from a monetary standpoint and how much one can produce. The truth is that these households with someone primarily managing the home duties will consume less, produce less waste, and they can allow for more balance for both members of a relationship. These things happen through focus, dedication, and practice at their equally important roles. Even more importantly, it provides a more stable and healthy environment for kids. The studies prove that young children placed in extended child care, on average, will have some negative effect as do their parents. There is the economic cost of that child care, too. Day care isn’t cheap. Sure, it isn’t all money, but factoring in the tangible and intangible effects of outsourcing daily child care can make it a tough logical sell for someone making an average salary.
I understand first hand those challenges and decisions. They are not easy. Afterall, so many of us, men and women, derive a strong sense of meaning from our ability to make money. That is clearly what our society deems the most important; production and consumption in a maximalist fashion. What about creation though? Creation of something that isn’t quantifiable or seemingly of any use to the world outside of the family unit. That is where the answer to the question, “what do you bring to the table,” fails to address the real problem it is trying to solve. In fact, if this is a question you are asking, then I believe you have some growing to do before subjecting yourself or anyone else to a relationship with you. We have so many new challenges in front of us as people and as a society, few of which are purely economic. Seeing only what value you can extract from someone or something like a relationship is the kind of thinking that will ultimately cripple your chances of happiness.
The problem lies in the idea that relationships are designed to produce comfort, excitement, and happiness or that the other person is there to satisfy whatever you are lacking. It simply isn’t the case. While these can be things felt within a healthy relationship, they are not the purpose, and someone else definitely won’t fix you. It is more likely that a relationship will amplify your flaws and problems. They should point out your selfish tendencies and drive you to improve for the success of the family unit.
An important distinction to make is that the tasks of leading, guiding, protecting, mediating, providing, and conserving do not belong solely to one gender. They are key behaviors that must be present in a successful and sustaining family unit. Both men and women are capable and required to do all these at some point in time and, as individuals, may find that they are more suited for some than others. I do believe that there is a default balance of these tasks that tend to the genders, if for no other reason, the underlying biases that we all have wired into us. Something that while very fluid, can feel unnatural as a starting place. We should all be able to bring the ability to step into any of these roles when the situation arises and work together in our relationships to continue progress towards goals and purpose. The game with relationships after all is trying to make them last as long as possible.
In conclusion, the relationship is the table and to properly set it, both people need to bring their self-sufficient selves first. From there, you can work together to make the best and most complete experience happen. The table isn’t set for you. It is set by you. It is set to allow others in and to add value, expand, commune, and help everyone obtain the sustenance that they wouldn’t have the reason or ability to make happen as a single person. A feast for one is lonely and wasteful, but a feast for many adds depth to our lives and relationships.